How stupid do you have to be to screw up an Impossible Burger? Burger King and a Federal Judge teamed up to show us just that.
Phillip Williams is “strict vegan,” meaning if it walks, swims or flies – – he won’t eat it. Fair enough. He heard that Burger King is making Whoppers with Impossible Burgers, which are vegan. Wow. Phil hadn’t been to a burger joint in ages. This sounded great. And this is where it all started getting stupid.
Phil went to his local Burger King, paid his $5.59 and got an “Impossible Whopper.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? After Phil paid his money and took a bite, he realized his Impossible Whopper was cooked on the same grill as the dead-cow Whoppers, meaning his Impossible Whopper was coated with good old-fashioned beef grease. Phil wanted a vegan burger and he didn’t get what he shelled out his $5.59 for. So what do Americans do when something like this happens? Complain? Ask for their money back? Hell no. They file a class action.
Now if you follow this blog, you know I’m always criticizing stupid class actions, but in this case, I’m on Phil’s side. He went to Burger King to have a vegan burger and, instead, he got the good old bait and switch. That’s not fair to Phil and it’s not fair to anyone else who wants a meatless burger. So Phil filed a class action to get Burger King, like the song says, “to change their cheatin’ ways.” Now, here’s where it gets really stupid.
Burger King’s defense was that they promised a Whopper made with an Impossible Burger and that’s what Phil got. So, in Burger King’s world, Phil got what he asked for (an Impossible Burger Whopper), even though coating it in beef grease isn’t something Burger King’s advertising reveals and it’s not what the consumer is led to believe she or he is getting. In other words, Burger King says it’s OK to trick the public. A really stupid defense. But, Burger King got lucky because the judge assigned to their case was stupid enough to buy into Burger King’s stupid defense and throw Phil and everybody else who wants a non-meat burger out of court. Here’s a direct quote from the ruling: “Burger King promised a non-meat patty and delivered with the ‘Impossible Burger.’”
Following this judge’s logic, I’m going to sell him a car with no wheels. Just a car sitting on the ground. When he starts complaining, I’ll reply, “I told you I was selling you a car. I never said anything about wheels. I promised a car and I delivered.”
But this wasn’t all. This genius judge said Phil could have protected himself when he placed his order by telling Burger King to have his Impossible Whopper cooked on a grill separate from everyone else’s. I don’t know what alternate universe this judge lives in, but it’s apparently one where they don’t have fast food restaurants.
Now, I admit, we’re all really bored and frustrated during COVID-19. Here’s some fun. Jump in your car and pull up to the local Burger King’s drive-through ordering kiosk while everyone is on edge from the pandemic and the mini-van behind you is full of screaming kids. Start a conversation with the disembodied voice in the kiosk about how the Impossible Whoppers are cooked and demand that yours be cooked differently from everyone else’s – – on a separate grill. Refuse to move your car and hold up the entire line until Burger King acquiesces. When people start screaming at you, smile condescendingly and tell them that a very smart judge said this is a good idea.
Then hope you are fast enough to outrun an angry mob.
The Food Lawyers® analysis: What have we learned here?
- There’s no lower limit to how stupid a judge can be. I’ve been a lawyer for over 30 years and I can tell you that 95% of the judges are very good. And the other 5% make up for the 95%.
- At Burger King, you really can’t have it your way.
- A 100% meatless patty steeped in greasy animal fat is still a 100% meatless patty.
But here’s the real kicker. The judge who made these rulings is a Federal Judge. Meaning he’s appointed for life. Meaning, he can foist these kinds of crazy decisions on us and continue to draw his $210,900 annual salary plus benefits until either he dies or we do.
And that is really stupid.
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photography: Wikimedia Commons